Eurovision 2021

And finally, here's the UK. So, European friends, will you be  Making Your Mind Up  to give us 12 points or will we have to be a  Cry Baby  with nul points? (NB. "Cry Baby" really was horrendous and lucky to get nul points). "If we were deep sea divers, And no one came to find us, If you had nothing left, I'd give you my last....breath." James Newman here shows incredible generosity to give his last breath to the bearded, old Scandinavian man in this imaginary, sub-aquatic disaster. Or does he? The lyrics make clear that they have 1 breath between them (initially with James) and the setup implies that there is no hope of returning to the surface alive. Let's assume that the Scandinavian man is super fit (which he appears to be) and can maybe hold his breath for 2 minutes. If James gives the final breath to Bjorn then Bjorn has to first watch James die and then gets an extra minute or so of knowing he's dying and having nothing to do but watch the fis...

One of my most vivid memories as a child was in our garden when I was 8 years old. The Blue Man Group had come round and were practising for their upcoming UK tour. The old Peruvian lady next door was shouting at us because we had smashed her window with our cricket ball and then she stormed round and beat Freddie with her pan pipes before we somehow appeased her with a gift of glow sticks. The whole mood changed and an impromptu rave kicked off that got louder and wilder until someone set the rabbit hutch on fire and various emergency services were called and the party dispersed. I think about that day often and how no music has ever managed to recreate or capture the essence of that moment for me. Until now!  Go_A have brought us something different with their folk rave vibe and take me back to that day, sat on the wall with patches on my knees enjoying my first cocktail of acid and Panda Pops. Good times! As well as enjoying the song, I am also a fan of the dance moves. I don't ...

So here's Switzerland and they've clearly struggled to sort out child care and had to bring their toddler with them to work. Gjon (pronounced "goujon" in my mind) is in the super fun "why?" phase of his development. Why does it rain? Why do we die? Why do we sleep? Why do zebras have stripes? Why is lava hot? Why do I have to put shoes on? Why do we wear shoes? Why do I only have one shoe?Why can't I fill my shoe with custard? Why is seven? It is not, perhaps, unreasonable to ask "Why the rain?" when it is clearly raining in your bedroom but you should probably also question the following:- 1. The man stroking a belt watching a boy read a book. 2. The woman lying across your shelves. 3. The curtains on fire. 4. Your trousers. During our virtual Eurovision last year, my daughters (7 and 8 years old) offered this appraisal.  "I don't like it so far. It's weird. It's stupid. It's annoying. I hate it."  "Um it doesn...

So here's Spain and Blas Canto. Canto is Spanish for singing and so Blas wins the prize for nominative determinism  although perhaps he should've been called Blas Mirando-Pensativo-y-Actuando-Como-Un-Modelo-de-Moss-Bros. Given the premise of this blog is to compare the songs of each returning artist, I suppose we should mention the song. Dynamics in a song are important and songs building is all good and can be done really well. But you can't plod along for 2:30, hit a stupidly high note (which Blas does indeed do well) and then sing a bit louder for the last few seconds and expect a scooby snack for your troubles. If there's a Eurovision purgatory then this song will be on the playlist there and everyone will sort of enjoy it a bit maybe until they get sent up for some Little Big heaven or down to join Dustin the Turkey in Eurohades. The video has some fun glitter people but also features Blas as a poor man's Neo from the Matrix hanging out in the desert and trying...

Howdy, Slovenia! Ana Soklic has said that this song does not have a single meaning or theme. This suggests that, if you sift through the lyrics, either you will find multiple different meanings or you will not find any meaning. I'm no expert in poetry but I reckon it's the latter. There is a highlight for me though with the lyric "A torn-up chair stands there....awaiting someone, awaiting a child." I mean, that's beautiful....or spine chilling.... or something.  It has to be said I am a big fan of Slovenia's slight apathy to the competition here. "Everyone else is writing meaningful lyrics? Nah. We'll just take a screenshot of the Fridge Magnet Words once the toddler's finished playing with them and that'll be the lyrics. Everyone else is making expensive music videos? Nah, we'll just borrow the set from Who Wants to be a Millionaire and film her singing there. Outift? I dunno, maybe something white." Despite lacking meaning, Ana clea...

The Serbian Pussycat Dolls present their tribute to Arnold Schwarzenegger. What really sets Hurricane apart from all the medicore Eurovision songs we have seen over the years is absolutely nothing. Don't get me wrong, fans of hair flicking and squatting will not be disappointed with this video but if you're looking for more than half naked folks stroking each other you're probably best skipping past this one. One way of breaking up with someone is to have dinner with them and explain why the relationship isn't working and that you feel it is time to move on. Another way (as utilised by Hurricane's lead pussycat) is to invite your two boyfriends to the garden, adorn yourself and them and the bushes in neon glow in the dark clothing and body paint and then, without a hint of irony, explain to them that you saw them with "her". You will know that the breakup has been successful when they fist bump each other. Is this song really forgettable? Is what forgettab...

"So when you touch me, I feel your love all over my body, body, body, body". Oh hey, San Marino! First line and I'm pretty sure I'm going to hate this. I know the song is called "Freaky" but you've taken it too far and put your hair on the wrong side of your head- I very much doubt the reverse mullett will become the look of 2021. Oh she's got a whip and an oily topless man tied/chained to a chair and we're well on our way to a winner of Freaky Cliche Bingo. Yep, 1 minute in with a boring bridge bit and I think we're done here.... Hold on. I was wrong. This is fun. It's funky. You took it up a notch and I'm on board now. If I was a bit younger and not worried about putting my hip out, I'd enjoy having a little boogie to this in a club. I'd still want to save my best moves for when  The Roop  bring the proper crazy but there's enough love to cover a bit of freaky too.  OK, Senhit, you've got my attention, now what are g...