UK: James Newman

And finally, here's the UK. So, European friends, will you be Making Your Mind Up to give us 12 points or will we have to be a Cry Baby with nul points? (NB. "Cry Baby" really was horrendous and lucky to get nul points).

"If we were deep sea divers,
And no one came to find us,
If you had nothing left,
I'd give you my last....breath."

James Newman here shows incredible generosity to give his last breath to the bearded, old Scandinavian man in this imaginary, sub-aquatic disaster. Or does he? The lyrics make clear that they have 1 breath between them (initially with James) and the setup implies that there is no hope of returning to the surface alive. Let's assume that the Scandinavian man is super fit (which he appears to be) and can maybe hold his breath for 2 minutes. If James gives the final breath to Bjorn then Bjorn has to first watch James die and then gets an extra minute or so of knowing he's dying and having nothing to do but watch the fish/other sealife. Nah, James, thanks for the offer but you keep your last breath- let's not delay my agony further.

Maybe if James really cared for Bjorn then he would've made adequate preparations for their dive....

"If we were deep sea divers,
I'd check the air supply,
I'd bring friends to help us,
And then we wouldn't.....die."

Putting aside scuba quibbles, James has a perfectly enjoyable song with some good "oh-oh-oh-oh-ohhhh"s that could well have found itself in the top half of the final scoreboard (which feels like the most we can ask for from the UK).

So I really want to like this. I love me some trumpet and sax in a song but we've got the brass guys in and then most of the time we just see them clapping or dancing. Come on, guys, as the Natural Confectionary Company would say- "Bring On The Trumpets!" Maybe the live performance will bring the house down on Saturday and make me change my mind but, for now, I'm not loving it.

It feels like the UK haven't yet understood Eurovision and we keep trying different things to impress our continental colleagues but always seem to fall flat on our face. Or maybe we're like Matt Damon in this scene from Ocean's Eleven with the rest of European laughing behind our backs while they mess with our minds.

Whatever it is, we're not winning this year (or ever probably). But know this, Europe, not all of us voted for Brexit and we very much enjoy partying with you still. So here's to enjoying the glorious festival of Eurovision! See you on Saturday, Rotterdam. :)