Australia: Montaigne

OK let's start with the koala in the room. Australia is not in Europe. Australia isn't just not in Europe, it is so many timezones away that the Saturday night Eurovision final is shown live on TV in Australia on a Wed morning sometime in August. Technically Israel, Cyprus, Armenia and Morocco are also not geographically in Europe but have all competed in Eurovision so where do we draw the line? Do we welcome our antipodean musician friends as we did with Kylie and Jason (and Holly?) or shun them like we did with every other ex Neighbours star who thought they had a God given right to pop stardom just because they once petted Bouncer.

The answer is that Eurovision is more than a European song contest. Such an event would be fun but would doubtless echo X-factor, The Voice, Bhutan's Got Talent and others in a mindnumbing search for who is the winner of singing. Eurovision is an experiment and exploartion of the diversity of human ridiculosity. Yes, it has its ballads by the boy with the guitar lamenting the loss of the girl who collected seashells but these serve only as the blank canvas onto which true Eurovisionaries paint with lasers and airhorns and yodels and hair dye and lederhosen.

In such a spirit of Eurovision I say that the inclusion of Australia is suitably nonsensical and should be welcomed and celebrated.

So what do we make of Montaigne?

Last year she was unveiled as a sad, purple clown. A promising platform but "Don't Break Me" seemed to take itself too seriously without any suggestion of irony. Now I don't need my clowns to wear big shoes or throw custard pies and I am thoroughly supportive of clowns engaging with and being open about their feelings but this song/performance felt empty.

As she cries "I don't wanna give you up, I love you, I love you, I love you" with her equally purple but unequally clowny dancers restraining her, I find myself longing for more. Why not 17 "I love you"s? Why not wield an axe? Why no kangaroos?

So here to try again is Montaigne's 2021 offering "Technicolour"....

Yes!!!!!!!! This is what we wanted. Filmed at the Sydney Cricket Ground, the purple clown is now a sort of shaved, redhead Miley Cyrus. And if her performance in Rotterdam incorporates any cricketing imagery or equipment then we are all in for a treat. What would we give to have Merv Hughes on synths live at Eurovision?

The song focuses on the two official Eurovision values. Firstly, there is the clear theme of love and  beauty and a celebration of diversity and, secondly, there is the subtle nod to sexual provocation. The lyrics themselves explain why this song is perfect for Eurovision....

"I got power, yeah"
"But we got grace, yeah"
"We got style and lasers, yeah"
"Time to take off your cloaks"

"Style and lasers"- that really is all we ask for. Montaigne has them. Montaigne has passed. A job well done.

I have to confess to originally mishearing the line as "Time to take off your clothes". This might be one of only a few possible improvements to the song. Cloaks feels a little hesitant where Eurovision deserves a fierce, rallying call to remove all of our clothes. In fact, this could easily be a future Eurovision tagline- "Time to take off your clothes. Eurovision Song Contest. Vatican City 2026."

It is early days but "Technicolour" may be a strong contender in my book and I would certainly not begrudge an Australian victory if this is what they serve up. The only question is whether Australia can ever win Eurovision without bringing a digeridoo to the table. Come on, Australia, Eurovision is surely the perfect home for your magical music stick!